Keep it secret, keep it safe? The dilemma over registry information.
There are three things that cannot be discussed amongst women without an explosive argument erupting: childbearing/rearing, gender roles, and wedding etiquette. As the moderator of the NaturalBirth community on LiveJournal and creator of an online wedding encyclopedia, I figure I must be a masochist. =D
Seriously, though, wedding etiquette is a topic that no one can seem to agree with, a topic that is constantly changing due to custom, and one that is often controversial. When I did the invitations for my wedding, I didn’t think twice about slipping a registry card in the envelope with (but not inside) the invitations. After all, one of my registry places sent it to me with instructions saying where to place it with the invitation. The wedding planner I was using also said it was ok to put registry cards in invitations as long as they were small, not in the invitation, and you were inviting more than 50 people. So I never thought twice about it.
Imagine my surprise when, 4 months from my wedding, I see a heated debate on a wedding planning community regarding this. The women were turning vicious and defensive- screaming that divulging your wedding registry information at all would scar people for life and offend everyone. They saw it as the epitome of rudeness- right up there with spitting in someone’s face and calling someone a slut. So I did a little research. Then I did a LOT of research. I discovered something interesting-
NO ONE can agree. Not only on that issue, but pretty much any wedding etiquette issue. In a world where there are millions of wedding consultants and millions of "wedding experts", it’s no wonder that poor brides are so confused! Our friends tell us one thing, our families another, our etiquette books another, our message forums something else, and in the end we wind up inadvertantly offending someone. I’ll have to post about how I offended one of my bridal attendants by following suggestions from a message board sometime.
Consider your audience. No matter WHAT you do, something done at your wedding- if it’s a medium or largish wedding- will offend someone. People get offended far too easily, people get angry and hold grudges far too easily. If you keep your registry information to yourself and only tell your family, who is then supposed to spread the word, you risk offending those who are pissed because they don’t know how to get in touch with your family and have to run through hoops to get your registry information. If you send it out via invitations, some people think you’re begging for gifts. If you put it on a website, some people complain that the information is coming from the couple. So you can’t win. Someone will be offended.
However, my final conclusion is this- if someone really, truly, and genuinely cares about you, NONE of this matters. I’ve been invited to many weddings, all by people I genuinely loved and cared for, and I don’t remember even if I got a thank-you note (and certainly not when). I don’t remember much of anything except how beautiful it was and how happy my friends looked. They won’t care whether your napkins coordinate, whether your favors were silly, whether your flower girl was wearing shoes, or what was on the invitation. If they are truly quality people who are positive aspects of your life, all they will care about is that you are happy and that this is your special day.
Incidentally, my MIL told me that during wedding planning- about wedding planning in general. She’s one smart lady. =)