Engagement

Whether you're thinking about becoming engaged or recently engaged, this section walks you through some of the traditional activities and items associated with engagement.

" Love that is true never grows old." - Elben Bano (Image by Thomas Hawk.)

Overview

Engagement is an agreement between two persons to marry. In the United States, this is generally a verbal agreement. Traditionally, the man was the one who usually proposed the engagement. However, in modern times the man or the woman may intiate the contract. Some people refer to this as "popping the question." For romantic proposal tips and ideas, check the popping the question page.

Engagement Rings

An engagement ring. (Image by leighblackall.)

Because everyone is different, every engagement ring is different. Traditionally, the man presents a woman with an adorned ring as a symbol of the agreement to be married. However, more and more couples are setting their own rules and both members of the engaged couple may wear engagement rings.

Diamonds

Diamonds are the hardest substance on earth. Natural diamonds are found near volcanic pipes, called kimberlites, which form when material near the mantle-core boundary deep in the earth (greater than 2000 km down!) suddenly surges upward. Some studies done on diamond's pressure-temperature stability field suggest that kimberlite eruptions must go faster than 600 kph in order for the diamonds to reach the surface without melting!

The tradition of giving diamond engagement rings is a new one which was the product of a rigorous marketing compaign by DeBeers to boost diamond sales. The campaign was a success and now diamond rings have become a symbol of engagement in modern-day America.

Precious Gems

Many brides and grooms prefer to use other precious gems. Black onyx is a popular gemstone for men's engagement rings and wedding bands. Emeralds, sapphires, amethyst, and onyx are also popular gemstones.

A new tradition that is becoming increasingly popular amongst engaged couples who already have children is to have the engagement ring set with their child's birthstone. Couples with multiple children, from their relationship or from others, may have engagement rings with all of the children's birthstones to symbolize the unification of the family through marriage. These rings also make great family unity gifts for children.

Diamond simulants

Cubic zirconia (CZ) is a diamond substitute with a different chemical formula from diamond. It has a lower refractive index (what gives a diamond 'fire') and is softer than both diamond and corundum (sapphires and rubies). It is cheaper than diamond, but the fire is not as good as a diamond's, and the softness compared to other precious stones may lead to it getting scratched in your jewelry box or day-to-day activities. While you may choose CZ as an alternative to diamonds because of the potentially bloody origins of diamonds, be aware that your stones may not hold up as well as real diamonds.

Moissanite is becoming an increasingly popular substitute for diamonds. While it is synthetically made, the formula is from a substance discovered in the craters formed by meteorites. Moissanite is prized as a gemstone for its adamantine lustre and brilliant shine. Moissanite's refractive index is actually greater than diamond's, meaning that all other things being equal, a moissanite stone will have more fire than a diamond. Moissanite's hardness is greater than corundum, meaning that the only thing that can scratch it is another moissanite or a diamond. For this reason, moissanite is becoming preferrable to cubic zirconia as a diamond simulant.

Synthetic Diamonds

An additional option is to seek synthetic or lab created diamonds, to completely bypass the possibility of natural diamonds. They often have improved fire, clarity and color because of the laboratory control of their formation. Modern gemstone creation labs can produce both colorless and 'fancy' diamond colors (like canary diamonds or pink diamonds).

Approximate carat sizes.

Carats

Carat weight determines the size of the stone. One carat is equal to 200 milligrams. Carat is not the same as karat, which is the unit used to measure the weight of precious metals such as gold.

To the right is a chart showing approximate carat sizes and their relation to one another. Keep in mind that, in the case of diamonds, until you hit 1 carat or more a smaller weighted diamond may be worth more than a larger weighted one because of its cut, clarity, or color.

When considering which carat to buy, take into consideration the finger size of who will be wearing it. A 2 carat gemstone may look huge and be unwieldly for someone who wears a size 7 ring. Conversely, a 1/2 carat solitaire may look particularily small on someone who wears a size 11 ring size.

Cut

The cut is how well the diamond is put into its shape. This is important because the quality of the cut will determine not only the value of the gemstone but the overall aesthetics of the gemstone. A poorly cut gemstone will not sparkle as much as an ideal cut gemstone will.

The diagram on the right shows a traditional round cut and the various terminology in gem cutting. If all of the cuts are done perfectly to scale, the gemstone is considered an "ideal cut." Ideal cut, or triple zero cut, gemstones are rare. Nearly all ideal cut gemstones are certified. If a stone is cut too deep, parts of the stone may be darkened. If the stone is cut too shallow, the stone may lack depth. If the girdle is cut too thin, the gem may become broken. If the girdle is too large, some settings may not be possible for the gemstone.

Gem cut diagram.

Cut quality ratings:

• Ideal Cut- this stone is perfectly proportioned and cut perfectly. Stones with an ideal cut are quite rare.
• Premium- this stone is cut very well, small variations in the cut are not visible to the naked eye.
• Very Good - disproportions in cut are not generally visible to the naked eye. Many gemcutters will cut a stone like this to make the stone larger. Most stones are within this cut range.
• Good- disproportions in cut may be visible to the naked, trained eye. Some gemcutters will cut a stone like this to make the stone larger. Since most light is still reflected back in a good cut, this is still considered an acceptable cut.
• Fair - disproportions in cut are most likely visible to the naked eye. Many good jewelers will not use stones with a fair or poor cut rating.
• Poor - disproportions in cut are clearly visible and some parts of the stone may look darkened or have poor visibility.

Common gem shapes.

Shape

There are several different types of shapes for a gemstone. The shape is often confused with the cut, which is explained above. The most common shapes for gemstones are shown in the figure on the left.

Clarity

Clarity refers to how many, if any, imperfections or inclusions exist within the gemstone. The higher the clarity, the more a stone is worth.

Clarity is determined by a gemologist. Certified diamonds with a laboratory report (the most distinguished reports come from the Gemological Institute of America, American Gem Society Laboratories, or the European Gemological Laboratory) will always state the color, size, cut, and clarity.

Clarity is determined as follows:

• FL, IF : Flawless & Internally Flawless. This diamond has no inclusions. Because of this, these diamonds are very rare.

• VVS1, VVS2 : Very, Very Slightly Included. It is very difficult to see any inclusions under 10x magnification. VVS1 is the highest grade of included diamond.

• VS1, VS2 : Very Slightly Included. The inclusions are not usually visible to the naked eye. VS1 is the highest grade of VS diamonds. Most consumers cannot tell the difference between VS, VVS, & FL/IF diamonds.

• SI1, SI2 : Slightly Included. The inclusions are visible under 10x magnification, and may be also visible by the naked eye. SI inclusions are still generally very small and even when able to be seen with the eye, they generally do not bother most consumers.

• I1, I2, I3 : Included. The inclusions are visible by the naked eye. The stone may appear cloudy, grainy, or even dirty. Many retailers will not sell diamonds below I1. However, if the diamond is cut small enough, the inclusions may not be noticeable.

A graph of diamond colors and their grades.

Color

This refers to the color of the stone and how true the gemstone is to its original color. Diamonds often have their worth judged, in part, by their color or lack of color. Other gemstones, in regards to color are graded by their hue, value, and chroma. These are determined by grading them against the Munsell Color Code Chart. The color is given in Munsell notation: the first number represents the hue, then the value is separated from the chroma with a "/" symbol. This is more for allowing a consumer to purchase a stone in the exact color he/she desires rather than for grading purposes.

Diamonds are graded in color from the most colorless to the most yellow. The grading is from D (completely colorless) to X (yellow). Diamonds which are colored are often called fancy diamonds, and if they retain a discernable color, the color actually makes the diamond worth more rather than detract from its value.

The figure on the right shows the diamond color grades and their approximate color as it would appear against pure white.

Settings

There are various settings for rings. The most common setting for an engagement ring is the solitaire, or single stone setting. The second most common is the three stone setting- three stones next to each other of similar carats or one larger stone with two smaller stones on either side of the stone.

Certification

Most quality gemstones come with certifications. A certified stone means that a gemologist has reviewed the stone and verified that the gemstone has particular qualities (i.e. cut, color, clarity, carat, shape).

Buying a Gemstone

Before you buy a gemstone from a vendor, you should ask for the vendor's in-house gemologist, ask if you can and ask to closely magnify and inspect the gemstone, ask if there is a full refund. If the vendor doesn't allow it, then the vendor is probably suspect, and you should find another one. Before you buy one online, you should also check to see if the ordering is through a secure site ("https://...", not "http://...") and if the order comes with shipping insurance and a trackable delivery which requires you to sign for it with positive ID.

Don't always assume that you can't afford something from a big name house like Tiffany or Givenchy. Many of them have very reasonable engagement rings.

Announcements

Announcements are a wonderful way to get the happy news of your engagement out to the world. Whether you decide to announce in a public forum or to send out announcements to your friends, this section can help you through it.

Engagement photos

Many couples enjoy getting pictures of them soon after engagement. While some couples enjoy going to professional photographers, many other couples do it themselves or get a friend to do it. There are several uses for engagement pictures, including

• providing a picture on your wedding webpage
• providing a picture for a newspaper announcement
• sending pictures with Save-The-Date cards
• printing pictures on engagement announcement fliers

Paper announcements

Many couples may decide to send out paper announcements to their friends and family. While some couples choose to make these announcements themselves, others may have them professionally printed. Often the couple will include a picture in the envelope with the announcement. Some couples will get postcards made with a picture of the couple on the front and a message announcing their engagement on the back.

Email announcements

Many modern couples choose to announce their engagements via email. This is a quick and easy way of spreading the word fast! Most couples include an engagement photograph with their announcement email.

Newspaper announcements

Some couples may decide to put their announcements in a more public forum like a local newspaper. Some newspapers offer this free of charge while others command a costly fee. If the major newspaper in the area has a fee out of your budget, consider using another local magazine like a county or neighborhood publication.

Save-the-Date Cards

In addition to, or in lieu of, other announcements, some couples may want to send out save-the-date cards- especially if their wedding date is over a year away. Save-the-date cards help keep the wedding date on the minds of wedding guests so that other plans are not made until the wedding invitation has been sent. Save-the-date cards may be printed on paper though many couples choose to put them on magnets, calendars, or other small gifts.

Parties

Many couples choose to celebrate their engagement by throwing a party. This party is hosted by the couple and is generally given for the couple's close friends and family. The party may be very lavish and formal or very casual and simple, depending on the tastes of the couple. See the page on Pre-wedding Celebrations for great tips on planning engagement parties.

Choosing a Date

When choosing a date for the wedding, couples may want to consider the following questions.

• What time of year do you enjoy the most? Someone who loves winter may not enjoy themselves at a summer wedding.
• Is there a particular date that holds some special significance to you?
• Are there obligations which may make a certain time more difficult than others? For instance, someone with a career in retail may not want to plan a wedding towards the end/beginning of the year and an accountant may want to wait until after tax season.
• Are there obligations which make a certain time more difficult for friends or family?
• Are there special health concerns or considerations with your friends or family? For instance, if your mother is photosensitive an outdoor wedding in July may not be the best idea.
• How quickly can you reasonably execute the kind of wedding you desire?
• Are there special documents you may need in order to get married? Do you need permission from any agency, government, or religious authority?
• If you are set on a honeymoon location, are there certain times when you may not want to go to this location (e.g. hurricane season)
• If you are set on a particular place to have your wedding or reception, what dates are available?

Once you have set a date, begin calling reception and ceremony venues immediately if you haven't already. If your wedding date is less than a year away, you may have to shop around before you find a place which has your date.

Registering

Some couples register as soon as they become engaged while others may wait until 4 months before the wedding. Registering for gifts allows wedding guests to have an idea of what the couple wants and needs to set up their new home together.

Choosing where to register

The number of places with whom you register depends on the size of your wedding. If you are having a casual wedding with close friends and family, you may choose to only register at one or two places. If you have a large wedding or are inviting many people, you may want to register at 5 or 6 places.

Where you register depends on the preferences of the bride and groom, though you may also want to consider the buying ability of your guests. If your friends & family are middle-class, for example, you may not to register at places that specialize in very expensive items. Try to have as much diversity as possible while still keeping your preferences and needs in mind.

When you do register, be sure to see if the store(s) offer complimentary registration inserts. These can be put in wedding invitations and/or be passed about at bridal parties. Be aware, however, that many people consider complimentary registration inserts to be in poor taste and a serious breech of etiquette. (For some statistics on controversial wedding etiquette subjects, please see the etiquette page.)

How to register

Most stores have online registries. With online registries, you can easily set up a registry with your information, wedding date, and have a larger selection of items than you would in a store. Some internet outlets such as Amazon.com and Overstock.com offer many different stores within them and hence offer a huge range of items from which to choose.

Some couples wish to have a more personal registration experience. Most stores offer in-store registration and will even provide assistants to help you with the process step-by-step as well as suggest items to help you.

Items to consider

When deciding on registry gifts, you may want to take a mental inventory of everything that you and your future spouse have. Then consider what items would be most beneficial in your home. If you are already living together, you may just want to keep a running tally over a few weeks of items you wish you had.

Some items to consider:

• towels: coordinating bathtowels, washcloths, etc.
• coordinating bathroom items such as shower curtains, shower valances, bath mats, accessories
• bedding: coordinating sheets, pillows, pillowcases, comforters
• window treatments
• small kitchen appliances
• hobbies & games
• kitchen gadgets
• fine china
• silverware
• other plates, flatware, and glassware
• cleaning appliances
• accent furniture
• books
• bakeware
• cookware
• car care items
• yard and garden items

If you're concerned about style, you might want to pick a style that always looks good, not one that's just hot today. For example, you might not want something that looks good right now only to start thinking later on in the year 2015 that it looks way too tacky.

Consider a Wedding Consultant

Are you planning on having a large wedding or wish to have someone coordinate your wedding day for you? Did you move to a new area and are clueless as to which vendors are perfect for your occasion? If you answered yes to these questions, you may wish to hire a wedding consultant or designate a friend to act as one. If you have particularily demanding friends or family members, you may also want to consider one to help mediate disagreements. For more information, see the wedding consultant section.

External Links & Sources

• Bridal Guide vol. 22 no. 4, July/Aug. 2006, p. 84: "Ready, Set, Shop!: A Quick Guide to Diamonds" by Elena Donovan Mauer
• Bridal Guide vol. 22 no. 4, July/Aug. 2006, p. 260: "Nate the Great" by Lauren Schutte
• Blue Nile engagement rings & gemstones
• Gemological Institute of America (GIA)
• Munsell Color Science Laboratory
• Wikipedia entry on diamonds
• JC Penney wedding registry information
• Pottery Barn wedding registry information